“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding” -Kahlil Gibran

It has been (and continues to be) an excruciating journey in many ways – but this is the path to understanding. Most recent events where Satan has been involved seem to have absolutely obliterated “the shell that enclosed my understanding” and I see who he truly is. I see that what he did can never be “made right” and I seem to have been expecting that. I see that all the money in the world won’t change the situation and that expecting anything different would just be a waste of more time. The legal process is well underway. Things like support, time with his children and what he owes me personally in terms of money will be sorted by the courts. I know my true worth and realize that I will never be reimbursed for the total giving (up) of myself that occurred over the past 30 years.  But I know inside what is right. Something interesting(?) happened on the weekend. Something was said (and assumed) about me to my children by Satan and the skunt. I ached for the horrid position that placed the children in but was proud of their ability to manage it. What struck me and what I almost felt guilty about recognizing until my best friend stated it was that it was something that only a person who is jealous or threatened would say. I laughed a little about that.

Satan and the skunt are jealous and threatened and have huge fucking egos. Their “relationship” requires the drama of infidelity to keep it alive and without me acting crazily there ain’t much to sustain it. The sparkles are falling off at a rapid pace and my children are way too smart to be sucked in by trinkets and extravagance. How sad for my children….

Yet, how great for me: for I understand now and I will be truly FREE!

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a month for every year

Now I am eighteen months from the actual D-Day and still surprised – though I shouldn’t be – at how long this shit actually takes to wade through. According to someone, it takes roughly a month for every year together….so I can expect another year of wading.
I am still surprised – though I shouldn’t be – at his self-centeredness and selfishness. This week the family home sale closed so the fucktard was again faced with a reality he is inept at dealing with on his own. Transparently he tried to drag me in to assuage what I can only assume is guilt. Tried to get out of his weekend with the kids. Shorted me on the support payment. Berated me by text. I handled it without getting sucked in too far – I am bullet-proof but they still leave dents. Some day I believe they will bounce off without a trace.
The road to freedom is arduous for sure.
I am trying to stay present…Trying not to be a past or future dweller but it is not easy. Takes most of my energy…
I have met a man who I think is stellar 🙂 but I am afraid. I am nervous, suspicious, trying not to swallow it up with my intensity. It scares people away….but I can’t be another way because squashing that would be too much like what I did for the past 30 years.
He travelled to South America recently…He brought me beautiful gifts and that scared the shit outta me. It was an awesome surprise but what touched me was that the selection was so perfect for me … like he really listened to what I say. I don’t feel a desperation about it though – I really don’t worry about the long term of it in the same sense that I may have in the past but I tend to let myself get absorbed by these things…I love the huge heart feeling when I connect with someone more than superficially but…the potential for disappointment grows when I realize that there isn’t someone out there that is as intense as me….then I start to hide parts of myself and that is not healthy for me. So, my plan is to let it go for a couple of days…see if he will try to reach me…
I am so terrible at the dating thing… my tolerance for small talk is low…I have met a number of men without substance who would have sex immediately … I am really hard on people. I know this. It will take a certain strength to handle it. I try to be forthcoming about that kind of thing. To ask for what I want. I owe people the truth of who I am so I give that…for the most part this kind of truth is best and appreciated.

Beauty

There is beauty in all of this. In its ugliness, I have found much beauty…and I never thought I’d say that.

Five months ago, I left – to the day. Satan(that’s what I refer to D as now) has continued to break my back every step of the way. But my back is strong, so strong that it brings a tear to my eye to consider all that has happened and where it has brought me. I had to step on his neck to get him to agree to a reasonable child support amount and that only happened a few weeks ago. He still refused to formally help support the oldest but I had to take what I could get. After stalling all this time on selling the house, it has finally sold but it is so run down, that I will incur a huge debt to sell it…but it has to be done. At intervals, he has said he doesn’t want to see the children…has continued to fuck up so many things in our lives that it is heartbreaking to watch them struggle with it….but I will protect him no longer. There is no way to protect them…he reveals his sorry self at every turn. He lives in a sea of bullshit and it coats everyone he is in contact with.

Through all of it, I have refused to change my expectations that there is good in the world and I have seen the good almost every day.  A while ago, I decided to talk to everyone and have met many people with great stories almost every day. I have learned to enjoy time alone without rushing. I have lost a job but I have refused to panic and it is working out. I have been very open to any kind of experience and am figuring out what I like. I have learned to change my mind sometimes and that is okay 🙂 and I am guiding the children through this mess with courage and strength.

The children are so messed up….but they are learning to navigate and accept what is. I’m teaching them that we cannot control outcomes…that really: we just don’t know. Even the things we think we know, we don’t – and that is huge…but we can do anything.

I have realized that I truly think I can do anything…and sometimes that is a negative and sometimes that is positive. The older I get I find that, even when I say I can do something and it doesn’t turn out right, I can brush myself off, know that I tried my best and not get personally hurt that it didn’t work out. Makes it easier to move on.

So, after twenty-five years of marriage to a man I thought was great in so many ways, I realize that much of that greatness was actually coming from me…and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I truly love the company of men but realize I deserve one who is great all on his own, who can celebrate my greatness without fear, who is generous and gentle but tough at the right times. This is not easy to find. There are many cynics among us…and I have to always remember that I do not control the outcome…

One day I read all my earlier posts and I couldn’t believe how misguided I was throughout this…I’d have believed anything …

 

and now I know better…but I have loved another fully, believed in him whole-heartedly and did everything I could, absolutely…so I celebrate these things and look fully at people and know, some day, all will be well.

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forward by inches

It comes and goes. Not every second minute but definitely more than once a day, my thoughts still turn to the injustice of all that has happened. I had a good day today. I went to the beach with all three kids. Such a pleasure to spend time with them. Especially in a relaxed setting like at the beach. It’s my favourite place to be – in the warm sand, near the water, full of happy people all there to relax and enjoy. Separate from me but there together.
We have some great talks – the kids and I. My son said:”I don’t agree with marriage. I mean, how can you know that you can stay with one person for the rest of your life?” My belief is that marriage is for the enlightened. When I got married, I was sure it was for life – sickness and health, plenty and want – I committed to all of it. Even when it was totally soiled by my h, I was finding ways to move forward with him. Recognizing the importance of this profound love I felt for this person. Totally opening myself to hear all the ugly truth and still willing to salvage it. After suffering continued humiliation at his hand, I have realized that, when it is not reciprocal, it is sick to stay. I know it is better to have left but there is a lonliness; a frustration with going forward “alone” – not what I planned. Celibate for who knows how long. A bitterness that I want to rid myself of as soon as possible. I tell myself: “It’s only been two weeks. Slow down and let things happen.”

pos

Must have felt the need to refresh my memory today. Reread all my posts since D-Day. Same result. He is a lying, cheating asshole who risked everything to create this mess. As I adjust to single-motherhood which is not that much different than what I was doing before in terms of meals, schedules, taking care of everything, I give myself time each day to be pissed off without it permeating every day all day. Today that time is now. What a fucker. I reread what I have written over these months and have no idea why I believed one fucking word that came out of his mouth. He followed the cheater’s handbook verbatim. The things he would say to me. The lies. The lies. The lies. Trying to tell me I was crazy while trying to drive me crazy. There is no forgiveness necessary. What he has done is unforgivable. What he continues to do is not so much different. He will stand by and watch us starve in order to cling to his denial. Weak and ineffective. The things he says still not making sense. Eyes darting around like a rodent. Secretive even now when I couldn’t give a shit about what he is doing if it has nothing to do with the children. Too superior to find a therapist. What a loser.

The children have been affected so deeply and so terribly. Basically each requiring a “debriefing” each day just to help them calm themselves, to get through their deep sadness. Terrible to witness.

I know who I am. I will see them through this.

<3

Loving….the big city life….my apartment….my short commute….my bed all to myself – no ghosts, demons, bullshit…people’s faces…the rooftop garden….my children are with me….live theatre….walking endlessly down interesting streets…the endless possibilities…

It isn’t easy, but it isn’t all bad – that’s for sure.

My new favourite quote:

“If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there’s shouting after you, keep going. Don’t ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.” ― Harriet Tubman

left.

I left last Sunday. Another anniversary date has been created. Another date burned in my memory as the day I left after twenty-five years of marriage. To the bitter end, he could not give compassion so I know this is the right thing to have done despite the hardship – financially especially. I have had to borrow from everyone to do this but I have done it with the support, encouragement and undying faith of my family and the true friends – new and old – that I have asked to walk through this with me. I may never be able to express fully my gratitude but I try to tell them every day.

My children. My beautiful children. Two have come with me. We have come to the same city that oldest is already living in. Finally, last Friday, h told them the truth. Looking into their eyes, seeing the heartbreak, the turmoil is something I will never forget. Oldest is in overdrive trying to fix this. Angry with me. Mothering youngest and middle as if she is the only one fit for the job. So disappointed in the two of us but only comfortable expressing that to me. Seems afraid that, if too hard on h, he will disappear. Middle is a person of few words but the exhaustion from shielding himself for so long from our fights, knowing too much and the confusion is palpable. Youngest is an old soul. Knows what “cheating” means from all those shitty tv shows. Is incredulous that I ever considered working it out. Said to me tonight: “If someone did that to me, I’d be gone immediately.” It’s a big job: mothering them through this and h is lost in self-pity. H is no help here.

It’s taking forever to write this post. Now it is almost two weeks since I moved. There are moments of peace and many of chaos. I know this is right but it is definitely overwhelming. I don’t even want to deal with h at this point. Hate that I even have to be civil. I hope some day I see the point of my compassion. He is a lost cause. Seems soul-less. Has no original thoughts on how to stay connected to the children. Puts the onus on them and on me. I told him last week just to leave me alone but the things he says to them cause further damage. He just wants to complain, feel sorry for himself, have someone else fix it. I still want to smash his head in. It shouldn’t be me expected to prop him up. I’ve done at least 25 years of that. Twenty-five wasted years.

Fix it yourself, you dumb fuck. Don’t tell me your troubles. You caused this all on your own. You and the skunt. Fix it yourself.

“Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continue living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.”